Dreams From The Ivory Tower

I don't think that every little girl dreams of being a princess, and I'm quite certain there are many little boys who do. I, however, am one of the little girls who lived quite happily in princess-land. I don't know how old I was when I found out that my first name means "princess", but in many subtle ways, it shaped the narrative I created about myself.

I don't remember when I first saw the movie The Neverending Story, but I do remember that it was some time during elementary school. I remember sitting on the gymnasium floor, it was raining and we couldn't go outside for recess, and I could barely see the TV, but the story captivated me. Falkor, Atreyu, Bastian, the book shop, and a book that someone could really, literally go inside of. I wanted to be Bastian. And then, somehow, the character of the Childlike Empress in the Ivory Tower got into my head. Oh, I still wanted to fall into a book, or many books, the way Bastian did, but the reason I wanted that was because I wanted to live in a world that was a little brighter and darker, shinier and macabre than the "real" world. I nicknamed my bedroom The Ivory Tower. It was my magical place, my sanctuary, my sacred space.

The next story I remember internalizing in that way was Dragonriders of Pern by Anne McCaffery. The character of Lessa absolutely captivated me. Her strength, her struggle, her transformation from abused and overworked servant into, well, Lessa of Pern, rider of a queen dragon inspired me and made me believe that I too, could transform, could transcend my circumstances, become someone powerful, beautiful, and respected. So I'd stand at the sink and wash dishes - to this day, the most hated of chores - and I'd carry on conversations in my head with Lessa, or as Lessa talking to other character in the story. I even had a pair of boots, grey suede winter boots that I persisted in wearing until they were a size too small for me and I had to give them up, that I called my "dragonrider boots" in my head. I have a very clear memory of sitting in math class in 7th grade (maybe it was 8th?) and thinking about whether there was a single other person in the whole world who would understand why I loved those boots so much.

Oddly, although I loved connecting with characters in my head, I was never a terribly good actress. I found those connections to be too intimate, too personal to be comfortable sharing them with the world. I was never able to separate myself and my own feelings from the character to the point where I didn't feel vulnerable, and I was never able to lose myself so fully in the character that I forgot to worry about myself.

Twenty-nine and a half years later, I am still writing the story of my life. There are still many days when I don't know what character I want to play, and getting dressed is frequently more about putting on a costume and assuming an identity than about anything else. I play at being myself through the lens of being someone else, and every time I meet a new character who I like I assimilate a little of them into me.

I am aware that this may make me sound completely unhinged to anyone with less of an imagination than I've got. All I can tell you is that it made a very good distraction when I was doing something I didn't like, and that I find my life has been made richer and fuller by the sheer number and variety of viewpoints I've attempted to embody in my search for myself.